I’m pretty sure I really will never be able to sleep again. Not well, anyways. I’ve forced myself to rock bottom, completely on purpose at this point. I have drowned myself in anger and sadness and hopelessness and now I have nothing left of that.
Every night is consumed by you. even after the nighttime phone calls stopped, I still just hear your voice echoing in my head. I dont hate you. I never could. I only hate that no matter what, i’ll still love you and care about you to much to ever have any real negativity to you. No Matter how much of a jerk I was or how distant I tried to be or how much I tried to hate you, it all circled back to me falling asleep every night, wishing I could say Que duermas bien, and fail miserably at awkwardly telling you how much I will never stop loving you just one more time.
Instead I spend every night not asleep; but lying awake dreaming of you. One of these nights though, I’ll make sure I don’t wake up from my restless dreams, because only death will relieve me from the awful truth that I will never, ever stop feeling the pain from this, and I will eventually probably destroy myself because of it.
It’s actually kind of hillarious to think about the fact that all you care about is self preservation and rely entirely on other people to maitain your existence, but somehow manage to bullshit your way into getting people to think that you’re a well put together functional person.
I kind of enjoy watching you destroy yourself at this point as dark as that may seem, simply because you conciesly inflict more pain on yourself and then mask it with false happiness, and in the end it’s gonna slap you in the face.